I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I did not marry a roomba.
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