Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
