the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
