Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
