I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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