I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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