I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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