you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Randomize
