ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
