Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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