hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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