I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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