mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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