Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
