Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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