watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
