happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
