Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
