i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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