We're facebook friends in real life
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
