So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
