Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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