totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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