Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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