im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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