i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
