You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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