I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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