and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize