he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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