Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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