the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
