These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
