Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
