from now on my penis is your penis
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
