we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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