There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
