My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
