You can't special order awesome
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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