Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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