just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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