I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
