nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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