Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
a search helicopter?!
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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