I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
