I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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