it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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