mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You are the jesus of drinking
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize