Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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