I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
