i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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