am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
