At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
