He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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