im about as happy as oj after his trial
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
