I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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