apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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