I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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